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Starting with Fear,Ending with Freedom
Today, the Supreme Court of California announced its decision about the challenge to Prop 8, a voter-approved measure to prohibit equal marriage in California. Many inspirational people and organizations have had a lot to say on this subject, not surprisingly.
I’ve been following my twitter stream closer than normal since the announcement was made at 10am PST today, and retweeting some thoughts that I’ve found particularly striking. Maybe my world is skewed by being surrounded by similarly open people, but I find great comfort in seeing all the words of support floating by from around the world.
Although extremely disappointed, I can understand the judicial reasoning behind this 6-1 decision. The voters effectively voiced their feelings on the issue last fall. It takes a strong and constitutionally-grounded argument to convince a court to overturn a voted-in piece of law.
And, one thing I’ve learned over and over again is that the laws of the United States do not yet effectively protect or even recognize GLBT people and their families. We are separate AND NOT equal in more ways than I can stomach. Employers are still allowed to discriminate based on sexual orientation. It’s impossible to be out and serve the military. Victims of horrible hate crimes based on perceived sexuality still all-too-often receive no retribution.
In a country where it’s still not often safe to just be gay, can we really be surprised that we’re not allowed to marry who we love?
Constitutionally, I get it. The courts tend to lead most human rights initiatives, but they often need to have enough support from the lawmakers, from congress, the senate, and from public opinion. And so, I know that it’s going to change. But big defeats, like the passing of Prop 8 last November, have me crying tears of frustration with the state of the world.
And, I blame our side for this loss. We lost. We weren’t as loud, as tough, or as strong as our opponents. And we need to do better next time.
I fail to understand why the people who do support the minority here, the people who ARE entirely supportive of equal marriage, do not have voices that are louder, words that are stronger, and arguments that are more resonant than the best complaints our opponents can come up with; that allowing me to marry my wife ruins the “sanctity of marriage”. Why didn’t more people get out and vote last fall? Were they all feeling pretty secure with the previous court decision to allow equal marriage? Was it because they believed Prop 8 wouldn’t pass, no matter what?
Or was it just that we cared just a little bit less than our enemies?
History has proven, again and again, that those who fight the hardest are often those with the most at stake. For couples like Sandra and me, if our fight for marriage fails, we lose the dignity of an official and legally recognized relationship. We lose the ability to declare a commitment to each other under the law. We also often lose numerous other benefits afforded to legally joined couples, where domestic partnerships are not an option. And we also lose that feeling of being truly equal to others, regardless of sexuality. We fight, first and foremost, for equality. For the right to be treated the same as the majority. For the right to live in peace and go about our daily lives.
But think, for just a moment, like one of the people fighting so hard against our causes. Think, for a moment, like someone who would create a carefully-drawn poster declaring “Gay = Pervert”. What, exactly, are they fighting for?
The folks who have mobilized so strongly against us are unified by one incredibly strong and powerful emotion; fear. They fear the life they know disappearing. They fear their own families, their own marriages, being called into a question of validity. They fear being perceived as gay themselves. They fear God’s wrath coming down on an ‘immoral’ world. They fear their children being forced into a ‘corrupted lifestyle’ by people like me and my wife. They fear this is all the beginning of the end of modern society.
These are pretty big fears. Pretty motivating fears.
I tend to forget that fear and hate are so much alive in the world. I’ve been out in my career for a decade now. I’ve been out to my family, my friends, even people on airplanes and in shops. If someone asks about my ‘husband’ (seeing my rings), I nearly always respond with something nice about my ‘wife’. I do this, not because I want to “ram it down people’s throats” as my enemies complain, but because my life is not one lived in fear of anything but a harsh word or two. (“LesbianDykeWhores!” shouted as us repeatedly during one Calgary Stampede.)
In short, I have never had to experience the fear of just being who I am, unlike so many others before me, or in different parts of the world. My fears are trivial when compared to that of losing my life, my livelihood, or my family… or my world.
If we’re going to win this fight – as we must – I begin to think that we need to learn from our enemies.
If it takes fear to win, then maybe we need to get afraid of the consequences. Not of the right to marry (or not), but of all that right symbolizes. Think of a world in which you can’t be honest, in which you can’t be out, in which you can’t be different. Be afraid of what larger and more terrible future these defeats signal. Use this as your motivation for fighting harder, for fighting longer, for not giving up.
Next, we need to fight the battles we can win… the small ones. We need to put our blinders on and start focusing on the small parts that make up the whole. We need to make as many small ripples as we can in order to create that wave of change.
If you think our enemies don’t care who I took to senior prom, you’ve already lost the fight.
Our enemies mobilize to picket every potential decision, no matter how small. They fight city councils on hate-crime protections. They show up to school boards en masse to protest same-sex dates at prom, to prohibit gay-straight student alliances. They write letters. They complain to Hallmark for printing wedding cards with two girls on the front. They boycott radio stations over Katy Perry and Jill Sobule. They call their senators, their mayors, their school board presidents.
If we each spent five minutes a day in conversation or argument or correspondence, the world would start to listen. In my own world, I’ve seen this happen, just by being out. Our neighbor across the street, a good guy at heart, confessed that before he met us, he was homophobic. Just by knowing us, having a quick conversation once in awhile, he’s changed his mind – and his vote.
Five minutes a day. Small ripples. Trust me on that.
And finally, we need to believe, just a little more strongly, that our side will win. Not “someday”, not “when it happens”, but NOW. We need to believe, as hard as we can, that the time for change is absolutely NOW. If we don’t believe it, how can we expect anything different from the rest of the world?
Maybe I’m corny for believing in the power of optimism. But for me, focusing on the positive gives me so much more energy than wallowing in the negative. Let’s recognize this defeat for what it is; a temporary setback that can – and will – be overcome.
The time for change is now, my friends. Let’s use this defeat as fuel for our collective fire, knowing that public opinion is ready and waiting to be swayed.
The true enemy of fear is education. Have the conversation with your friends, your family, and your coworkers. Have it with your neighbors and the people at church, or in your local yarn shop. Have it with anyone who will listen. Explain why equal marriage – and equal rights – are important. Make it personal, if it helps. Or, treat it as a human rights issue. Or both. Even if you never want to get married, talk about the reasons why other couples should be able to marry.
Then, start fighting your small fights. Cross off “husband” and write “wife”, or “spouse”, or “partner” the next time you fill out those official forms. When someone asks about your husband, if you’re married to a woman, gently correct them. Join your employer’s diversity committee, if they have one, and help counteract all those who want to restrict rights one tiny omission at a time.
Finally, when days like today happen, take a little time to grieve, but don’t get lost in a feeling of hopelessness. Things will change for us, as they have for so many groups before. But not if we don’t care enough to fight, tooth and nail, for that change. Believe it will happen, and focus on how good it will feel the day we all realize there’s nothing left to fight for, that we’d already secured our freedom from hatred and from prejudice.
This fight starts with fear and it ends with freedom.
Let’s turn this anger, this fear, this sorrow, into the beginning of a renewed fight for what we believe in; that we are equal, and that it’s high time we start getting treated that way.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Vive la revolution!
Solid advice. But you’re going to have to get this message out more publicly. You’re going to have to motivate many more people to act as you suggest. Five minutes or not, there are a lot of people out there who won’t act.
And don’t ignore your (supportive) straight friends (and family). They are as much of the fight. They should be helping to change opinion as well. Social change cannot come merely from one group — federally-mandated racial integration would never have succeeded if there hadn’t been sympathetic (and active) people on both sides.
May 26th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Well said Amy!
Bigotry, racism, hatred of any sort should not be tolerated. It continues to amaze me that as our society supposedly ‘evolves,’ a large majority of the population continues to quietly or not so quietly subvert change/progression/ACCEPTANCE for rigid and clearly intolerant biases.
People have to change, seriously change. I am proud to be Canadian where being in a same sex marriage is not a crime.
At the same time, however, while your rights as a wife are protected here in Canada, it doesn’t stop the hatred which is a much bigger and more potentially dangerous issue. It saddens me that America continues to be so covertly rigidly conservative (maybe not always so covertly) while pretending to be a world leader.
As one half of a mixed race legally ‘married’ couple (legal in the states only since 1967, and when 9 out of 10 Americans believed it was abhorrant) I understand the larger implications of bigotry and ignorant judgement – hate crimes exist and are carried out each day. If any lessons are to be learned from the ongoing atrocities that occur everyday can’t they be love, tolerance and acceptance?
My belief has always been that one should be judged on how they act; not on what they are, how they look or what their sexual orientation is.
May 26th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Amazing post, Amy — right on!
May 26th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
This is a great post. When you look at all the crazy shit people have done in the name of God since the beginning of time, it really is no surprise that it’s such a big fight. Personally, I think the US should go in a different direction: make all government-registered unions “civil unions,” and leave the term “marriage” to the various religions. I doubt the religious right would go for it, since it would be pretty easy to find someone to marry you, but there wouldn’t be much legal argument against it!
May 26th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I’ve never been very good at articulating myself on strong issues like this one without coming across like a total stooge, so I will just say that I completely agree with you. I’m sorry that’s such a lame response to such a fantastic call to arms, but I can’t ever find the right words to express the passion that I feel inside on issues like this.
I love this post and fully support your sentiment and passion 100%. It inspires me to attempt to find my voice to better articulate my stance in the future.
I’m so very sad to hear the news about Cali today, and only just found out after my knit night tonight, so I’m sorry for the delay in responding to this.
We’ll get there, Amy. It WILL happen!!
May 26th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
i love you. i love this. i’m sharing the link on facebook. xoxo
May 27th, 2009 at 4:18 am
You’re absolutely right that our side doesn’t fight hard enough. We dismiss everyone who disagrees with us as morons and bigots and forget that people *listen to them*.
I’ve yet to figure out how my partner and I – a couple of homebody twinks – are more destructive to the sanctity of marriage than Britney Spears, The Bachelor, or a Flava Flav show, but as long as the religious zealots out there keep saying that we are, they’re winning votes.
For that matter, I can’t figure out why their religious interpretation trumps all other religious views. I’m Jewish; our temple has a giant sign in front that says “Civil marriage is a civil right.” Clearly gay marriage isn’t diametrically opposed to religious institutions. But again – we let them define the terms and we never fight back because we assume that everyone’s willing to see reason.
May 27th, 2009 at 7:10 am
You would have convinced me to join your “side” if I wasn’t already there. It remains to be seen whether I can bring myself to chat with my parents about this.
I would like to link to this on my blog.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:22 am
I’m a firm believer in the power of love. I don’t think that love is ever wrong. One day, I hope more people believe it too.
May 28th, 2009 at 7:30 am
I just wanted to say how inspiring (and touching) I found this post (being neither gay nor living in the US (in Germany, we have some sort of second rate civil partnership for same sex couples)).
There are so many issues where I often just haven’t the guts to be clear about… keep avoiding arguments… not liking that part of my current self, though – words like yours remind me to think about more of the things that are important in life, so – thanks!
All the best for your trip!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Hi -
I Just felt compelled to post since I am a straight women living in California who’s best friend/sister has been in a lesbian relationship for over 10 years and (thank God) is still considered married to this wonderful woman (whom I have known since the 10th grade). I want to remind everyone looking in from the outside that things ARE getting better. In our fight against Prop 22 (a proposition similar to Prop 8, but without the reality of having taking away and ACTUAL right provided by the Courts) we lost 61.4% to 38.6%. In last years election Prop 8 passed by 52.24% – a small majority really and mostly among older voters. In the interim much more conservative states, like Iowa, have adjudicated the matter and deemed gay marriage legal.
Being as I am int eh legal field I understand how the same judges that overturned Prop 22 could not overturn Prop 8. The argument was legally sound. However, if you read the argument you see the out. The judges indicate that there is nothing THEY can do about the way the California Constitution has been written – but there IS something WE can do. We can put another measure on the next ballot or we can find a way to bring it the U.S. Supreme Court. One way or another the fight is certainly not over and more people see our side every time its brought up.
BTW – I volunteered for the “No on 8″ campaign and will do so again. You are right that we all need to better explain ourselves – whether straight or gay. One thing that I think needs to be done is to reduce any rhetoric that may be deemed a snub to people who follow any type of religion. We need to emphasize that this is not a religious argument but an argument about rights. As a religious person you may not agree with homosexuality or gay marriage – fine. That’s your right. You can feel any way you want. however, as an AMERICAN you have to question inequality.