Try #2 begins today, with me taking nasty Clomid Monday through Friday. At least this time I know the week ON Clomid won’t be so bad… it’s the one AFTER I have to worry about!

And I can open up a great bottle of wine tomorrow for dinner.

To be honest, I’ve been stressed beyond belief.

And to top it all off, I’m in the middle of my first two week wait to figure out if we’re having a baby in 2008 or not. While I thought I could test for the first time tomorrow (and expect a slight chance of a positive), it may indeed be a few days longer than I’d first thought. Ah well. At least I’m busy.

I don’t know what it is about this time of year for me. Looking back, it seems like early Spring is the time when I’m most likely to feel untethered. Maybe it’s got something to do with the change of seasons, the sudden availability of nice weather (or not, if you live in Calgary). Or maybe it’s just that everyone around me also goes through a phase of spring fever.

Have you been noticing that tensions seem to be running a little high on certain online knitting forums? Could this be related to the time of year? Personally, I wish that there was a better way to balance the wonderful freedom of communication online with the responsibility of the golden rule. And I’m not talking about Year of Lace stuff at all… just about some other threads involving other businesses/issues that I’ve been reading.

I’ve been part of many online communities dating back to the days of usenet and it seems like every single one has gone through a self-destructive phase, full of arguing, and infighting, and low blows. I’d hoped the knitting community would have been exempt from this, but I suppose it’s like anything else; full of a large variety of people who will sometimes disagree… loudly. I guess what makes me uncomfortable about the whole thing is that an online forum makes it easy for a story to be one-sided. Get enough unhappy folks on there, and the tone of the thread makes it hard for anyone to disagree publically, especially with tensions running high.

While it’s wonderful that we can say what we want without fear of censorship, it also can create a bias towards one perspective over another (and possibly the big picture), when the first few responders all agree and build on each other’s negativity. The more negative a thread gets, the less you see anyone disagreeing or jumping in to defend what was criticized. And that makes sense to me. If you were a lone Flames fan at an away game in Chicago, how loudly would you bad-mouth the home team? It takes courage to feel like you’re in the minority in any case, much less in an online forum where other responders may not listen as politely as if the conversation were in person.

I think there’s a bigger responsibility to being responsible with what you write online, but also to be responsible with what you read online. I’m certainly not saying anything here about the validity of any posters’ complaints or actions. I’m merely speaking to the feelings that keep any heated forum thread from being truly unbiased. And just spouting off a bit in my own forum.

Now that I’m off my soapbox…

It’s Tuesday evening and just about time for Knit group at the store. I’m still working on my Panel Jacket; one sleeve down and the other half done. After the sleeves and the rest of the seaming, I can move on to knitting the incredibly long collar/neckband and then three-needle-bind it off in place. And then it needs a really good and intense blocking. I swear I’m knitting to gauge, but the garter stitch is a strange beast. It’s short. 3 inches short, to be precise. So, I’m thinking that in the original pattern, the body had to have been measured after blocking. So I’m-a-gonna-block-the-crap-out-of-it and see what happens.

And I also might cast on for Wicked.

Last Sunday, back on Day 1 of the infamous two week wait before we find out if I’m pregnant, I decided to being a 2ww knitting project. I chose the Panel Jacket from Unicorn Books and some new Classic Silk from Classic Elite. It’s knit in garter stitch panels that are then attached together with a three needle bind off. It’s fun, and relatively portable, and it’s been going really quickly, unlike this f$*#&@*ing two week wait.

I’m finished with the body and it’s all assembled, and I’m knitting on the first sleeve with about 6 inches left to go. After knitting the second sleeve, I’ll have to knit a large panel to stretch around both fronts and become the collar/front facing. So, it will likely take the whole of the two weeks rather than just a part.

Having something obsessive – and deadline-driven – to knit keeps my hands busy and off the laptop at night. I don’t need to be looking up any pregnancy symptoms. I don’t need to be reading about IUI success rates. And I certainly don’t need to be staring at my temperature chart as if it will open up and tell me “yes” or “no”.

Even though I’ve been hopelessly devoted to this project for the past week, I’m ready to cast on for something new. I picked up a copy of More Big Girl Knits yesterday and oh man am I impressed! I’ve got 3 MUST KNITS and another 4 or 5 projects to ponder. I haven’t decided which one to start with, but will probably be mulling over some yarn choices all day today.

Lately I have been really enjoying knitting from other people’s patterns. It’s a nice change from those times when everything on my needles has the riskiness of a new design. Will it work out? Will it be too small? Will I run out of yarn? I guess I still might have the same problems when working from a pattern, but it somehow feels safer, somehow feels that any problems won’t be my fault as long as I get gauge.

That said, I do have some sizing on old patterns to work through, and at least one new design percolating in the back of my mind. Now, I just need more time!

In other news, check out my new bag! I was having kind of a bum day on tuesday so I decided to treat myself with this cute new Lady B from Lexie Barnes. I also got two new needle cases in matching fabric. (Incidentally, we are well stocked in the Pacifica Pattern – here.)

IUI at 2pm today! And then two weeks of waiting begin.

I’m wearing my ugly socks for good luck.

A few days ago, I cast off this fun project, the Ribbons Baby Blanket from Evelyn Clark and Fiber Trends. I started it a few weeks ago for the store, and despite barely knitting for a week of that time, it worked up really quickly.

I love projects like this. Even though the rounds get longer and longer, by switching colors and stitch patterns every 8 rounds, it seems to be speedy and interesting enough to keep my interest.

The pattern comes with the flower-lace center as shown above, but also with an easy modification, making it great for newer knitters.

This is one of those projects that makes me appreciate the simplicity of knitting. I love how it flips from knit to purl, making it completely reversible, but different on each side. And I love the garter stitch edging; firm, flat, gorgeous.

If you saw the blanket off the needles before blocking, you already know that it looked a bit floppy, and definitely misshapen. After a good pass with my steam iron, it went from being a weird smushed rectangle into a perfect, flat, drapey square.

I love this blanket.

It’s too bad it’s destined to be a shop model.

But one mustn’t jinx things, right?

Cooper’s had a bit of a hard time since we got back last week. While he had so much fun staying at his daycare that he barely missed us, he did eat something a few nights ago that kept him – and us – up all night being sick. I took this photo on Wednesday during my afternoon home with him. He was so tired he slept most of the day and all through that night. He was better by mealtime, of course.

Cooper has this retriever thing going on. It’s not so much that he runs for things and returns them as that when he’s really happy, he just has to have something – anything – in his mouth. He does this first when he sees us in the morning. He wiggles his bum a bit, then runs away to find something really great to show us.

And he does it in the park, too. Of course, the park folks think he wants them to throw the toy. But no, he just wants to show it off a little.

It amazes me sometimes how much personality this dog has. I know this is true with all dogs; I’ve lived with a yorkie (Basil) for two years. And I grew up with a black mixed breed, Jenny. And my parents have Maggie, the Elvis-lipped Lhasa Apso. But when it’s your dog, it seems to be a different thing all together.

Watching Cooper grow, and learn (and forget what he learned) over the past year has been so much fun. I love this guy so much it hurts sometimes. This makes me so excited to be (hopefully) starting a family.

I know it’s mohair. But it is laceweight mohair. And don’t the colours just scream spring?

I took this photo the other day when updating the make one yarns online store, and I liked it so much it’s stuck around a little longer than usual.

I’ve been doing a lot of non-knitting things that are still related to yarn. I’ve been taking photos of the year of lace March project. I’ve been taking photos of the next sock club kit. I’ve been doing the layouts of both patterns. And I’ve been doing a lot of website maintenance.

Fun. And Glamorous.

That said, it dawned on me the other day, as we’re just about to celebrate the shop’s 2nd birthday, that 2008 will be the first year in which we’re not doing any major construction on the store. This is a very good thing, if you ask me. Last summer’s renovation went really well, and I’m so pleased how it turned out. But, it’ll be nice to be able to breathe a little easier this summer when we’re not paying electrician’s bills and for things like paint and flooring.

Can you believe we’re two? How time flies.

Speaking of time not flying, I’m so anxious to get on the baby stuff. I started another blog to be able to blab on about all the details of baby-making without completely taking over my blog here at indigirl.com. Sound good? Good. So, I’ll still update here about anything big, but if you’re interested in the nitty-gritty details, go here.

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At long last, I’m finally getting a hair cut this afternoon. Hopefully by 4pm, I’ll feel less like the shaggy dog and more like myself.

I’ve been knitting lots lately, but all my photos are stuck on my camera at the store, and I’m stuck at home feeling under the weather. So, the above pretty shot of cashmere sample skeins will have to be enough for this post.

I’m nearly done with the Blue Sky Pleated Vest that I’m knitting for a shop sample. I’ve got the back and the left front finished, and have about 4 inches to go on the right front. Then, there’s lots of ends to be sewn (damn double-stranded yarn!) and the front button bands and armhole finishing.

I’m also working ahead on a secret design currently titled Envy. It’s springy and summery and I think I’m in love with it but it’s still a little early to tell.

——

The shop has been hopping lately, and I’ve been teaching lots of classes, so I’m entering another (normal person’s) work week wherein I feel like I’m already behind. Behind on the website updates, behind on the fall retreat plans, behind on my emails and phone messages and bills. Seriously folks, go hug your LYS owner today. There’s a lot she (or he) does that has nothing at all to do with yarn, and a ton of it really stinks. Like the overflowing toilet this weekend.

We’re almost into the beginning of our third year in business. We officially opened on March 22, 2005, and here it is, March 2008. Some days I have to sit back and remember how hard the first year and a half was, especially when it’s easy to get down on myself for things that still aren’t where I’d like them to be. The last six months, though, have been such a great time of growth and learning, and I’m so proud of how far we’ve come in such a short time. Sandra and I still work 70 hours a week (each), but we’re building more and playing catch-up less. I love this. And I know the next year will bring a lot more positive progress too.

———–

We’ve been back on the WW bandwagon for the past couple of weeks, this time going it together. It’s so much easier without Sandra bringing home a bag of potato chips or a pint of ice cream. Cause one thing I’ve discovered? Even though I’m not a huge ice cream fan, when one shouldn’t have it, one wants it even more.

I don’t have any lofty goals this time. I don’t need to hit my goal wait any time soon. I just want to take off 10 or 15 pounds before we get preggers so I feel a little healthier and I’m not starting off with such a disadvantage. I’ve been doing some reading on PCOS (which I have) and fertility, and the people who know such things believe that when you’re overweight, even a 5% weight loss can dramatically increase your chances of conceiving. So, that’d be 9 pounds for me. Piece of cake. Or rice cake.

It’s been going really well. I’m cooking more – which we should do anyhow, just in terms of family finances – and drinking less wine – again, another thing I should be working on. And I’m finding new meals to make that are healthy and balanced and diverse.

Basically, everything I should have done last year when I started this whole get-healthy-thing.

Live and learn, right? At this point, I’ll be happy if by the time we head to vegas in two weeks, I’m able to fit into the bulk of my spring/summer clothing from last year. That’ll be great!

So, here’s hoping.

I guess it’s not the biggest thing in the world if our children don’t share any DNA in common, but it would be really nice to try for it. And, at least in our lives, things have a funny way of working out for us.

The other funny thing? Now that we’ve decided to go forward with family plans, I just want it to happen right now. This is crazy – I can’t stop thinking about it and can’t stop focusing on keeping my expectations well in line with reality. There’s only a 20% chance – at most – of it working in any given cycle. But, how can we hope but help it happens for us easily?

On the other hand, I’ve been working really hard at keeping Sandra from shopping in the kids sections of every store we go into.

Probably as a counter-reaction to my super-productivity last month, I’ve been lagging in my knitting for the past few days. These slumps always wear me out more than they should… I cast on furiously for a new project and abandon it… or switch it out… just a few days later. On the plus side, I know that this little stage will end quickly and I’ll be back to my usual ways.

What you see above is my latest potential WIP. I’ve only knit a few rows of the entrelac on the Lady Eleanor Stole, and I’m debating whether or not I’d rather use this beautiful yarn (Noro Cashmere Island) for this, or for a cute top. I do love this yarn. So, this too is on hold, at least for a few days until I decide which way I want to go.

My long-languishing Manos “Norah” cardigan is also on hold. For some reason, I’ve been having palm cramps when I knit on it for a few rows. I’ve determined I need to do a lot of hand warmups with something easier (for me) to knit prior to starting in on this again. I have less than half a sleeve left to go – how frustrating! And yeah, although it looks better on Trish than it does on me, I’m really happy with the design, so no, I won’t show you just yet.

On the other side of things, something that’s been on hold for over a year has just been given the go-ahead. You probably know that I have epilepsy. I have had partial simple seizures, affecting just one or two of my senses, for the past decade. My seizures don’t look like anything you’ve probably heard of. I don’t fall to the ground, I don’t convulse, and I don’t stare off into the distance. I have no alteration of consciousness.

What I do have is a bad taste in my mouth, followed by a wave of nausea that disappears within about a minute. Sometimes, I smell bacon cooking. Definitely weird, and completely disturbing. I’ve been controlled by medication for much of the past decade, and still have the occasional seizure during the night.

What this means for a future family is that I had to wait until I could get into see my neurologist – one of Canada’s top epileptologists – to give us the go ahead to try to get preggers. Last week, he had a cancellation, and after a really good talk, we decided that I would go off the epilepsy meds for as long as possible; hopefully at least through the first trimester, and at least a month before our first try at conceiving.

I go off the medication in the middle of March, after which point, I won’t be able to drive until 12 months later seizure free, or I go on it again. And we’ll give the baby thing a shot in early April, if my cycle works out.

And now, because I don’t presume you have gone through this, I’m going to tell you a little bit about the process we’re about to start. There will be absolutely no knitting content beyond this point – I promise!

While many lesbian couples know a significant male friend to donate, we’re going with an anonymous donor. We’ve selected his profile from several dozen candidates that match my CMV status and share similar genetic features, such as height, hair color, and eye color. (Did you know you can browse donors online?) The clinic was able to give us an 8 page extended profile, including baby photos, and an essay. We liked that this particular guy is really into his family and dog, and decided to become a donor because he watched his best friend go through horrible infertility struggles. This week, we need to phone and order in 3 or 6 “kits”.

Near the end of March, I’ll start taking some progesterone pills to regulate my cycle and induce a period. On Day 1 of the period, I’ll call the clinic and they’ll tell me when to start taking Clomid, a drug that will increase my chances of ovulation. Because I’m polycystic, there’s a good chance that with the fertility medication, I’ll send out two or more eggs to be fertilized. (Twins? Scary!) Around Day 12 – 15, I’ll start testing myself to see if I’m ovulating. As soon as things look good, we call the clinic and go in for an intra-uterine insemination.

And, repeat that process 2 or 3 times more, hoping it works. If everything goes well, we might be pregnant this summer. If it doesn’t, we’ll be talking about other options, such as IVF, or seeing if Sandra can carry. I’m hoping things go well, but I’m prepared for this to be much harder and more challenging than we’d ever wish. I’ve seen other couples go through this, and although all the doctors say it looks like I’ll be able to get pregnant, you just never know.

In the meantime, we’ve spent all of our airmiles on a 5 day fling in Las Vegas just after Easter. (Because really, I’d take a baby just about anywhere else in the world.) I’m looking forward to sleeping in, staying up late, playing blackjack, and drinking and eating really well before we start this whole process. I know a lot of the medications won’t agree with me. I’ve been warned I’m going to turn into a hormonal bitch. It’ll be good to have some “us” time before all the excitement starts.

While we did start this process a year ago to get the referral to the fertility clinic, it seems both very long ago and just yesterday. But, having “passed” our consulation with the staff psychologist yesterday, I feel like we’re as ready as we’ll ever be. Life is feeling very much under control right now, and I’m loving that.

Wish us luck!